Crisco Fiasco

Josh was having some guys over last night to jam or record or whatever. I thought I’d impress everyone with my domesticity by baking chocolate chip cookies from scratch in my newly painted kitchen. I even considered tying on a cute apron made from bright flowery fabric with ruffles on the bottom.

But the shortening smelled funny. It was a strange yellow color and was gooey and tacky like hair gel.

Turns out I haven’t baked in the amount of time it takes for Crisco to spoil. The can didn’t have an expiration date, which is another way of saying it lasts essentially forever.

Turns out I’m not as domestic as I thought.

A Fat Quarter is Not a Body Part

A customer came in for her new block of the month. I asked her if she wanted to grab her fat quarter and then went to get her new block. “You mean like this?” she said. But I could hear that she hadn’t even left the front counter. So I started explaining very officially that she gets a free fat quarter for finishing last month’s block on time. When I heard laughter I looked up. The customer was squeezing and jiggling her back side.

She and my employee had a big laugh together about how I’m too young to get the joke.

Go ahead, ladies. Have your joke.

Polar Bear Attack

My dad sent me this email today. Usually his forwards are of a beware-the-end-times nature, but this proves he has at least one friend with a sense of humor.

The email read:

Bear Attacks Man in Canada

You may not want your kids to see these photos!

These are pictures of an actual bear attack in Manitoba, Canada. These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack! Reports from local newspaper say that the victim is expected to make a full recovery.

Misadventures in Making Pants

I had the brilliant idea to make my own pants.

The idea was to find a professional pattern and use unexpected fabrics. Multi-colored stripes, for example. Or men’s wool dress pants salvaged from the thrift store. Or for that matter anything salvaged from the thrift store.

So I found a pattern that has potential. Saturday afternoon, I felt brave. I read through the entire pattern. I cut out the pattern pieces, laid them on the fabric according to the layout diagram, and pinned everything in place. Then I pulled out my scissors to cut, but something was wrong.

I couldn’t find my size.

Turns out the numbers on the front of the package following “Size:” are important.

Not only is this pattern over my head, even purchasing this pattern is over my head. Before I could make a single cut, this pattern has gotten the best of me.